Jokes

Discussion in 'Off Topic Abyss' started by Frands, Aug 30, 2017.

  1. Arkie Malija

    Arkie Malija Senior Member

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    A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

    During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

    "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove".

    "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good".

    "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again".

    "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing".

    "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love".

    "P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
     
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  2. Frands

    Frands Senior Member

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    [​IMG]
     
  3. Arkie Malija

    Arkie Malija Senior Member

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    For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues" the angel said "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want". And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes" said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"
     
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  4. Frands

    Frands Senior Member

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    My wife asked if I'd still love her if I won the lottery.

    "Of course, I'd still love you," I reassured her.

    "I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
     
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  5. doswizard

    doswizard "That Which does Not Kill Us makes Us Stronger!"

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    :hs:

    joke000.jpg
     
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  6. Arkie Malija

    Arkie Malija Senior Member

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    As I was getting in bed, she said "You're drunk". I said "How do you know?" She said "You live next door..."
     
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  7. Frands

    Frands Senior Member

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    Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
    It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
    On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

    So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake,
    Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
    Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

    'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father,
    his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
    "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when
    the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya nutter....

    __________
     
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  8. Arkie Malija

    Arkie Malija Senior Member

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    Motorist: "What would you do if I called you a prick?" Cop, looking up from his ticket pad: "I'd have to arrest you". Motorist: "What would you do if I thought you were a prick?" Cop: "I can't do anything about what you think". Motorist: "Well then, I think you're a prick".
     
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  9. doswizard

    doswizard "That Which does Not Kill Us makes Us Stronger!"

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    LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!

    :roflmao:

    [​IMG]
     
  10. doswizard

    doswizard "That Which does Not Kill Us makes Us Stronger!"

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    And some of us have 'suddenly' Lost our Sense of Humour!





    marbles.jpg
     

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