Jokes

Discussion in 'Off Topic Abyss' started by Frands, Aug 30, 2017.

  1. Frands

    Frands Senior Member

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    Fried Eggs And Driving:

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh!
    You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
    We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
    Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
    Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
    The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
     
  2. Cadleson

    Cadleson Unfortunate Son

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  3. BikerDude

    BikerDude Senior Member

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    I only know old jokes.
    I'm an old guy

    Two guys are sitting around listening to tunes and one says to the other "Wanna go have a beer?"
    Other guy says "yeah that a good idea. Where should we go?"
    First dude says "there's a new place down town where for two bucks you get a pitcher of beer and then they take you in back and get you laid"
    Other dude says "wait a minute are you telling me there is a place downtown where you pay 2 bucks and you get a pitcher of beer and get laid?"
    First guy says "yup. Just opened last week".
    Other dude says "where did you hear about this place?"
    First guy says "your mother told me about it"
     
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  4. Frands

    Frands Senior Member

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    :roflmao:
     
  5. Cadleson

    Cadleson Unfortunate Son

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    I would crack a few, but most of my jokes are not... appropriate. Even for our standards. :tc:
     
  6. OldHippie

    OldHippie Resident Yooper

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    Last night my wife and I were in the living room talking. I said I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on machines and fluids from a bottle.
    She pulled the plug on the TV, threw away my smart phone and poured my beer down the sink...

    Damn
     
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  7. Frands

    Frands Senior Member

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    A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's
    temper and threatening manner.
    The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
    The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every
    time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
    The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When
    your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water
    and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't
    swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
    Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
    She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home
    drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae
    touch me even once!
    Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"
    The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water
    does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
     
  8. Cadleson

    Cadleson Unfortunate Son

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  9. Cadleson

    Cadleson Unfortunate Son

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    What is Harry Potter's favorite method of getting down a hill?

    Walking...

    JK, Rolling
     
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  10. BikerDude

    BikerDude Senior Member

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    :oyea::oyea::oyea::oyea::oyea:
     

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