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Old 04-08-2005, 10:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
eat it! it's GOOD for you
 
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Default Email Graveyard


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I was gonna make this a poll but I guess we don't have polls yet.
Maybe they'll show up in the mail with the avatars?
Just as well. Here's a thread for those emails.
You know the ones.
The ones people send you that you don't ask for.



Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least Evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners."

Darwin Award Winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space, so he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 ! bill on the counter,
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
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Old 04-27-2005, 02:27 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I got this one today:

Management exam

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be a professional manager. Scroll down for each answer. The
questions are NOT difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!



1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is:! Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close
the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly
complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?


Wrong Answer.


Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant
and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of
your previous actions.



3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend...
except one. Which animal does not attend?



Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just
put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first
three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.


4. There is a river you ! must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you
do not have a boat. How do you manage it?



Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been
listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether
you learn quickly from your mistakes.



According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals
they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals
have the brains of a four-year-old.




Last edited by Martha Washington; 04-27-2005 at 02:30 AM.
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Old 05-02-2005, 12:03 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Was reading through the forum and came across your stuff here. Pretty funny, where do u find this stuff?
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Old 05-02-2005, 07:02 PM   #4 (permalink)
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believe it or not, somebody just SENDS them to me.
usually somebody I know.
you know, like those 'send this to your 12 thousand closest friends and you will have good luck" type things.
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Old 05-12-2005, 06:59 PM   #5 (permalink)
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here's one:

> > >Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working
> > >under your vehicle.
> > >
> > > From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a
> > >Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car
> > >breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
> > >shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
> > >
> > >The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
> > >car.
> > >
> > >On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
> > >under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of
> > >underpants
> > >turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
> > >
> > >Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
> > >quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
> > >place.
> > >
> > >On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found
> > >herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
> > >
> > > The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his
> > >forehead.
> > >
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Old 05-12-2005, 08:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks Martha . . .it's always nice to read sumthin' that makes you smile out loud . . .
__________________
relax, and float downstream . . .
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Old 06-07-2005, 05:52 PM   #7 (permalink)
eat it! it's GOOD for you
 
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here's a good one!

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.

The angel asks Dolly if there's a particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, She spits into the toilet, and pulls the lever.



The angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations, and you turn me down. She simply gargles and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
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Old 06-16-2005, 08:18 PM   #8 (permalink)
eat it! it's GOOD for you
 
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Default Re: Email Graveyard

actually saw this on a message board.
but I sent it to myself, so technically it counts!!

Last edited by Martha Washington; 04-26-2007 at 02:21 PM.
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Old 06-16-2005, 09:31 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Martha Washington
here's a good one!

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.

The angel asks Dolly if there's a particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, She spits into the toilet, and pulls the lever.



The angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations, and you turn me down. She simply gargles and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
Absolutely hilarous Martha! Thanks for submitting that one.
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Old 10-24-2005, 08:36 PM   #10 (permalink)
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my mailbox has been filling up again.
here's one:

>> > A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
> looks
>> > over at him and asks the question....
>> >
>> > WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
>> >
>> > HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
>> >
>> > WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
>> >
>> > HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
>> >
>> > WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
>> >
>> > HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
>> >
>> > WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
>> >
>> > HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
>> >
>> > WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
>> >
>> > HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
>> >
>> > WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
>> >
>> > HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
>> >
>> > WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
>> >
>> > HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
>> >
>> > WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
>> >
>> > HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
>> >
>> > WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
>> >
>> > HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
>> >
>> > WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
>> >
>> > HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed"
>> >
>> > WIFE: -- silence --
>> >
>> > HUSBAND: "oops!"
>> >
>>
>
>
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